Should You Sleep with Your Newborn?

The decision of whether to co-sleep with a newborn or encourage independent sleep has long been shaped by cultural, historical and personal factors. In the West, as nuclear families became more prevalent, discipline and self-regulation in children became highly valued.  The rising affluence and societal values around independence also made separate bedrooms fashionable. In the East, where early Asian societies were less developed, co-sleeping was more common as there was little means to provide individual beds for each child. 

Sleep training is thought to be able to foster self-soothing and independence. 

One of the primary arguments against co-sleeping is that it fosters dependency, making children reliant on their parents not only during sleep, but in other aspects of life as well like waking up in the mornings.  Critics view it as a habit that may be difficult to break. As a first-time mother, I found the newborn phase exhausting. The endless sleepless nights were one of the biggest challenges of breastfeeding. My priority was to regain sleep and reduce fatigue to safeguard my well-being and prevent post-partum depression. I had also planned to go back to full-time work, so I really wanted to have a routine where I could have a good uninterrupted night's sleep.  Since most research suggested that sleep training between 3 to 6 months was the optimal window for success, my grand plan was to move my baby to a separate room as early as possible to encourage independent sleep.  

When my firstborn was about four months old, we transitioned him from sleeping in a crib in the same room to a separate room. I followed sleep training methods including the "cry-it-out" approach—rocking him to sleep before placing him in his crib and avoiding interference when he woke up crying. For two nights, my baby cried until he nearly lost his voice. By the third night, we gave in and had him sleep on a separate floor mattress beside our bed where he slept till he was 5 years old.

As I went back to full-time work after 6 months, I did treasure the little time I had with my baby at night.  Having him sleep in the same room made me feel less guilty for not having spent time in the day with him.  I do believe the night sleeping did enhance the bonding between me and my baby. According to research, the physical closeness promotes the release of oxytocin, strengthening the emotional connection between parent and child. Additionally, it has been suggested that when parents and babies sleep together, their physiological functions—such as heart rate, breathing patterns, and sleep cycles—tend to synchronise, thus possibly biologically safer for infants, allowing caregivers to monitor their child's well-being more closely.

When my second baby was born 23 months later, my eldest son had not yet moved out of our room. My husband and I were concerned that forcing him to leave the room when the second baby arrived might create resentment toward his younger sibling. Since there was no space for an additional crib in our master bedroom, we decided to place the crib in the adjacent room where our domestic helper slept while his older brother remained in our bedroom. 

For the first two to three months, I did the night-time breastfeeding of my second baby in the separate room to minimise disruptions for my husband and eldest child. What I did not anticipate was that not having my baby co-sleep with me made the situation more tiring, as it was more disruptive rather than supportive of my sleep. I found it increasingly difficult to fall back asleep once I was awake. Additionally, I noticed that my baby was forming an attachment to our helper in a way that made me uncomfortable. As a result, my second baby moved back into our bedroom soon after and slept beside his older brother until he was three. Eventually, we transitioned both of them to a bunk bed, which they took some time to adjust to.

With the arrival of our third child, we moved to a much larger house in the US which alleviated our space constraints. This allowed us to place his crib in our master bedroom. Initially, I had hoped he would sleep independently, but he resisted being alone. After his last night-time feed, I would place him in his crib, where he would sleep for the first few hours. However, he consistently woke in the middle of the night to feed and would cry intensely when we put him back in the crib after feeding. By the time my third baby arrived, I came to the conclusion that I was unlikely to 'win' this battle of having him sleep independently.

Children may not be biologically primed to sleep alone.

If the child is sensitive or anxious, it will mean additional support and reassurance during their transition to independent sleep. Before my third child turned three, I decided to get him a new ‘Thomas the Train’ toddler bed—his favorite cartoon character at the time—which he embraced immediately. At this age, my third child finally felt secure and safe enough to sleep on his own.

Co-sleeping, while advantageous for mothers in terms of breastfeeding and bonding, also impacts the parent-child relationship and the quality of sleep for both parties.

Interestingly, some studies indicate that bed-sharing may reduce testosterone levels in fathers, potentially leading to increased engagement and sensitivity as caregivers. Additionally, the physiological development of newborns benefits from sleeping at close proximity to an adult, especially during the early months when their own regulatory systems are still maturing. Ultimately, the decision to co-sleep or promote independent sleep is influenced by a family's lifestyle, values and needs. However, it is crucial to take safety precautions as co-sleeping can pose risks if parents are impaired due to fatigue, medication, alcohol, or other substances. 

There is no one-size-fits-all approach for every child or parent, and flexibility is essential. 

My personal journey with three children demonstrates that each baby has unique needs which needed to be adjusted along the way. Parenthood is a continuous learning experience, shaped by intuition, circumstances and the evolving dynamics of family life. And it's important to trust your instincts when caring for your baby. Happy sleeping.